13th
Taking Time to Remember My Brother, His Death, Acknowledge my Mind
Ultimately, I want this process of remembrance to end in the setting of a new course for my future. I want to create it, shape it, breathe my life into it. In this moment, I have a glimmer of hope and a shroud of sadness. The shroud gives me shadows of doubt that occlude hope’s glimmer. That’s when I feel like a victim of the world instead of a creator. Here’s what I’ve never said before.
I.
For twenty two years I was sad
I lost my first and only love
My childhood heart
It set me out to sea
Pre-school and I knew what I wanted
I could never have
Not until heaven
If I reach it
If it exists
II.
In this year, on the second day of January
My past collapsed
My role in our total love was equal
Having had it means I can make it again
A wild woman in the woods
Hands sunk into the soft heart of a long ago fallen tree
Its riches patiently seeping out into the world
Infused her hands with life-giving potential
A house, a home, a colony
Solid energy, decaying to transfer
The pretense of fire
Ten thousand feet above the surface
I saw heaven on earth
In my future, up to me
A wild woman out of the woods
Palm’s blessing from heaven
A messanger
Peace, sustenance, the possibility of love surrounds you
III.
And then she fell
She’s not an angel or a prophet
A child’s heart is not designed for adult love
It’s finally time to grow up, alone.
Surrounded by children’s hearts in the form of friends
I’m not that sure
And that’s responsibility
Tear down the tree and nail it
Together again
Pull out the fallen and set them on fire
New trees can’t grow without a burning desire
I have to give it up to get it again
An old growth with a sapling
And as it grows
It’s gone again
IV.
The shadow of a doubt can break me
My shell is thin
I smash it all the time
Because there’s no harm
Because I’m not here
I walk with an empty space
All around me, my heart inflates to fill it
And the people passing by
The people with a past absence
The needy take it, drape it, walk away
I’m the ghost
I’m his ghost
He’s gone all the way
I can’t conjure him
Not even close
I can’t hear him, not even in my head
V.
In the twenty second year I awoke
To see a string of sadness
I followed it through my years
And found its dark beginning
In the coffin of my brother
The one who’d drawn me from my cradle
Out of the house
Into the air
Into myself
Into attitude and memory
He had drawn me into consciousness.
We’d embarked on our greatest adventure
And then he turned to stone
Overnight
And I froze in time
They flew his blue body round the planet
Ten thousand feet above and over seas
Nothing to be seen
From a foreign land to the family plot
A West Texas gravel grave
His blue body buried in the arid desert
I stood on my toes to see him
Pale blue and perfectly still
His mouth turned down and his brow relaxed
Somber as an adult
He was never quiet, never serious
He was always the one to wake me up with a bounce and a hug and a plan
By the time I saw him lying in his coffin
He’d been gone forever already
We’d been gone forever already
We’d never been sad before
Since he’d been gone forever, he’d been sad
He’d been sad forever
The sorrow persisted
VI.
Days later
Alone now with my mom
Alone in our house without my dad
Maybe forever
But what did it matter?
I followed my blue brother’s lead
Wake up
Don’t hug me
You’re 6, the plan is somber adulthood
For my mom, so sad and weary
I am husband, son, mother, daughter
I am everything she lost
I am loss
And then her father died
There was no consoling her
I am silent love and protection and everything is fine with me and I’ll help you
I’ll be your partner
I’ll be your only friend
And we’ll be alone in this house
I’ll do whatever you want
And I won’t want to do anything
I won’t cry unless there’s good reason
And there’s never a good reason
And I cry a lot
I’ll be brave
And I’m scared of everything
VII.
My shell is thin.
I smash it all the time.
But there’s no harm
Because I’m not here
I walk with an empty space
My heart inflates to fill it
And everybody infiltrates it
The people passing by
Can I give this to you?
Take it
You don’t know how good it is
I see you crying
You haven’t known it
Please take it
Tell me it is valuable and good
Now give it back
Give it back
Give it back
They haven’t had it because they never gave it
They never gave it
They will never give it back
It’s me
Not them
I feel like I disappear
Stolen
Robbed
And that I have to
Because that’s what growing up is
Growing up is throwing it away
Growing up is not-having, not-being
I need to grow up
My cherished love is childish
I smash it all the time
Because there’s no harm
I’m not here
I’m not even here
I’m a sad and still
Blue stone
We’re finished
VII.
The glimmer on the second
The shadow on the twenty fourth
Twenty two days between hope and doubt
After twenty two years
There’s a battle inside me
Between power and impotence
Between faith and fear
Claim and surrender
On the twenty fourth day, after the twenty fourth day, I surrendered
I have to do something for which I have hesitations
To show someone my love, to comfort them
Fourteen days later, I surrendered
I said this person does not love me
Is that true?
It doesn’t matter
What it is I don’t like it
I don’t want it
It’s now now
So how do I do?
VIII.
Eleven days later, I’m here to take responsibility
After three days, I went into the past
Confronted the first disaster I created in the name of love
He’s still desperately in need
And refuses to give
Up his priorities of control and privacy
The first time I gave comfort to the loveless
The thin shell burst a year later, and I told my mom
She shared her story
A child meeting adult
Control, manipulation, privacy, lovelessness
She’s lost two sisters
One her twin still born
She lost her other half
The other still alive
Only half
So now we are sisters
And I am talking
And I am talking to my friends
I am known
And I am coming into existence
It turns out I like beauty, comfort, and company
That is a start
A glimmer
I’ll know my mind
Say hello to the shadows
Be still in their passing
Take a look through your glasses
And take action in my rose tint
All the love for myself and my family
